103 - Chin Up

Everyone needs a little pick-me-up sometimes. Everyone needs to remember all of the blessings they have.

I'm having a really great time this year, but I'm a tad more busy than last year. My school is great, my boyfriend is great, my life is great. My roommates are awesome, choir really uplifts me, I'm progressing as I should.

I have to remember that happiness can be a choice. And just because sad things happen isn't a reason to let them get me down. It's ok to be a little bit sad, but you should remember to be happy after. Lean on whoever you have to, and then get back up.

Take your time. But remember--your life is waiting for you.

-ka

98 - Dreams Come True

So, I've been in Disney World this week. I'm going to post more about that later, but I feel like I needed to start this post with that fact.

Do you know what the motto of Disney World is? Disney World: Where Dreams Come True. For those of you who know me, I'm not a huge Disneyland/Disney fan. I don't have as much fun as some people at theme parks, and I know that most people just don't understand that. The characters in Disneyland and Disney World were a main part of most people's childhood. I watched the cartoons and enjoyed the music, but I can't say that I have one Disney character that inspired me as a child.

Don't fret, however, because my childhood was not lost. Instead of being lost in fantasies of pretty dresses and fairy godmothers, I was lost in a world full of phoenixes and wizards. I imagined casting spells and defeating dark magic with my friends.

It's interesting being in a place full of other people's dreams because it makes me realize everyone has their own fantasy. Everyone has something they get irrationally excited about, even if they don't think they do. All I know is, when I walked with my family into Universal Studios Orlando and saw the brick spires of an all-too-familiar castle, my heart jumped more than a little bit. My dream was not realized in the place where dreams come true, but that doesn't mean it didn't come true.

Like I talked about in my last post, everyone needs a place in which they can escape. For a very long time, my imaginary place was in a book. I made friends with the characters, and I flew away to a place where no ordinary thing could catch me. During my travels, I (nearly) perfected my British accent so as to truly be a part of the story. I acted out my own endings and imagined my own role in saving magic from He Who Must Not Be Named. There is something truly magical about escaping your life within the confines of your own house.

I realize that I'm not unique in my feelings toward the Harry Potter series. In fact, I'd wager that more than half of my age group feels the exact same way. But, it doesn't matter. They still don't know what Harry Potter did for me. It's special because I'm special, and that makes all the difference.

You probably don't really understand this post. In truth, it's more for me than for any of you. I'm just feeling the satisfaction of having a childhood fantasy come to life, and I thought I'd share.

So, for all the childish dreams inside of you waiting to come out, just hold onto them. They do come true eventually--even if only in your imagination.

-ka

97 - In My Place

Today was a rainy day.
I really like rainy days.

This summer has been an extremely hot one, and so when I woke up this morning to a slight chill and the smell of rain, I was REALLY excited. Haha.

Later on in the day, my mom went to a anniversary dinner with her husband (they've been married four years now), and I went to the gym. When I pulled into my driveway, I just sat in my car for like twenty minutes. Together, the rain beating on my windshield and my mellow music created an atmosphere unlike any other. Obviously, since this experience warranted a blog post, the serenity I felt was important.

Everyone needs a place. Whether you're married or single or whatever, everyone needs a place. Sometimes, your place can be abstract; it can be within the confines of a book, or woven into a melody. Sometimes, your place can be a physical place -- a closet, or a chair.

No matter where your place is, you know that you will feel calm.
Peaceful.
Relaxed.

You know that, in your place, nothing else matters except feeling. You can be in your place and know that, somehow, everything will be alright.

Everything will be alright because right here, in this moment, you're happy. Maybe you're content, or maybe you're excited. Maybe you're grateful or humble. Maybe you are utterly aware of yourself. You are feeling, and emotion equals life. When you stop caring, that's when you stop living.

Everyone needs a place where they can just feel whatever it is they need to feel.

For me, the place changes (as it probably does with many people). Today, my place was in my car. I was watching my blurring windshield and singing along with She & Him, the Shins, and Bright Eyes. Somehow, in those moments, it seemed as if the rain was falling in sync with the music. It created the perfect amount of background sound to put my soul at ease. My car was my place, and I was feeling.

It feels good to feel.

This isn't my photo. I got it from pikachudork on Deviantart.com.
I should've taken a picture of my own car, but some experiences just can't be captured by photo. Only words will get close to doing them justice. 

-ka

95 - Waiting and Missing

I heard once that when you really miss someone, all you want is for them to experience whatever you're experiencing at that moment.

For the last three weeks, I've been doing a lot of missing.

Whenever I see something funny, all I want to do is text him. Whenever I'm sad, all I want to do is run into his arms. Whenever I'm happy, all I want is for him to know what made me happy and be happy right there with me.

It's interesting, knowing someone very well. So well that you can tell what mood they're in even before they can. When you can look at their facial expression, and it's almost like you have psychic abilities because you can just tell what they're thinking. And then they do the same thing to you, and it freaks you out a little bit that you've let someone in that far - given them power. Knowing someone well and letting someone in requires an immense amount of trust.

Missing him is hard. I give myself a stern lecture every morning.

Kolbie, you are going to be happy. You are going to have fun. You aren't going to make everyone else feel awkward because you're depressed. You're not going to take your sorrow out on everyone else. Kolbie, it's not the end of the world. He's not dead, he's just gone for a while. He'll come back. 
Kolbie, would you want him to mope around, being sad all day? No. 
Kolbie, you are strong. You are confident. You have a strong support system, and he loves you. It hurts, but you don't have to let pain control your life. 
Kolbie, it's ok to cry. Have a good, painful cry. But then, stop. 


There are times when I miss him in a good way. Like, I almost don't feel sad. I just feel happy that I love him. I think about the good times we've had, and the good times we've yet to experience. A still, small voice whispers to me that it'll be a very happy time.

So here I sit, waiting. One can wait and experience life at the same time. I'm just waiting for the moment when I don't have to wait anymore. I'm waiting for the moment when you are gonna be right there with me. And that makes this moment even more special.

-ka

94 - On Intelligence

Intelligence has less to do with inherent abilities as it does work.

If I have learned anything in my education, it is that being smart is not necessarily a gift from heaven. Don't get me wrong, I know that some people are blessed with the ability to learn easier than other people. Some people are definitely prone to genius ideas. But do you ever wonder why it seems like those people are always busy? Why those people put all of their efforts into their chosen field?

I have.

Those people work. Hard.

I have been fortunate enough to be placed in an environment that encourages education and work. I have also been blessed with a natural ability to learn, and a love for it. But it makes me so mad when people tell me how easy it must be to be "smart".

"Oh, Kolbie, it's easier for you to go to class because you're smart."
"Oh, Kolbie, it's easier for you to write your essays on time because you're smart."
"Oh, Kolbie, it's easier for you to take that many credits because you're smart."

Let me just clear something up.

I'm not mad because I want my work to be recognized. I'm mad because those people use the word "smart" as an excuse to be lazy. I'm even more mad at our education system, because I firmly believe that there are many, MANY, more people in the world that have the potential for genius. They have the potential, but because of the standards placed before them, they will never know it. They are raised to believe that being simply average is something to strive for.

I'm not saying that being average is a bad thing, but too many kids are raised thinking that all they will ever be is average. They grow up with people telling them that they can't be smart, or athletic, or talented. Maybe they have negligent parents, or maybe they have negligent teachers. Either way, more and more children are dropping out of high school. More and more children are succumbing to depression. More and more children are thinking that they're not good enough to be successful, so they stop caring.

Everyone is good enough to be successful. Everyone deserves the chance to be above-average.

Intelligence has less to do with inherent abilities as it does work. If you want to be above-average, you need to work. The only way to overcome the Nelson-Mandela-named fear of being great is to be great, and to realize that being great is working hard. The best part is that once you've had a solid foundation in working hard, you can actually work hard doing at something you love.

And you want to know something funny? It actually makes you happy.

To all those people who think my life is easy because I'm smart, I'm here to tell you that my life is far from easy. Everyone is given obstacles in their life. Instead of choosing the easiest ways to go, though, I choose to work hard and be triumphant.

Don't mistake my being happy for my life being easy.

Intelligence has less to do with inherent ability as it does work. Yes, I've said it three times. But I just you want you to remember that the most, and perhaps you'll tell someone you know who really needs to hear it.

-ka

93 - Choices

I'm tutoring my little brother this summer because he is taking AP Human Geography next year. I'm also helping him with reading and writing, so I'm basically being his English teacher this summer. (Which is convenient, since that's the career in which I want to be.)

He's reading the Harry Potter series this summer, and so I'm discussing it with him and helping him critically analyze the thematic elements. It's pretty interesting because I'm doing what I love to do, but I can't be the student. As the teacher, I have to be the one to guide rather than explore. It's my brother's turn to discover what he thinks about the books and the connections he makes, even if I want to tell him that what I think is right.

Anyway. We were discussing choices today. He's midway through the first book, and so we looked at all of the different choices that the characters have made and how those choices have affected their lives. More specifically, Jonathon pointed out that because Harry's choices were mostly taken away from him in the beginning of his life (pre-wizard status), he was better equipped to make the choices he needed to later in the story. Because he knew what he didn't want, he chose what he did want. The Sorting Hat told Harry that he could be a great wizard if he followed the path that Voldemort did, but Harry chose to follow a different one. If you've ever read the whole series, you know that his one decision to not be like Voldemort shaped his adult character.

One choice. One choice made all the difference in his life. His choice forged the path for good, for light, for triumph. I mean, yeah, he made other choices in the future that seemed more important. But, to me, that one conscious decision to not choose individual greatness was his ultimate decision. From then on, he followed through with that choice. He became a literary hero. (At least, for my generation.)

It made me think about the choices that defined my life. Oftentimes growing, choices were taken from me. My mom always said that going to church wasn't an option, going to mutual wasn't an option, going to family parties wasn't an option, going to piano lessons wasn't an option, doing my homework wasn't an option... and so on, and so forth. When you're young, it seems like all of these life decisions are taken from you. However, upon closer inspection, I realize that I was given something even greater in return.

Like Harry, I was better equipped to tackle the bigger problems in my life because not doing so many things "wasn't an option." I was raised with core values that make me happy. They make me honestly and truly happy. Not only have they brought me joy, but I have seen other people find it as well. I didn't have a choice about doing homework, but I did choose to make education a lifelong process. I didn't have a choice about going to church when I was younger, but I did choose to have faith in God. My family has one of the strongest bonds I have ever seen, and I can't imagine my life without those endless family get-togethers. I have creative outlets and a passionate mind - a free mind. I have a mind that chooses good, light, and triumph.

Q: How do I know?
A: I want to share what I know. I want to share my good and light and triumph.

My free mind can choose whatever it wants.

It chooses a fulness of life.

-ka

91 - Gone

In three days, he'll be gone.

He's leaving for 9 weeks and 4 days - basically the whole summer.

I know that people expected him to leave for a longer amount of time, in order to do something else that's also good. But I have faith that he knows how to receive answers for his life. I believe he's doing what he's supposed to do. And I'm proud of him.

I also know that some people have different opinions concerning our relationship. To those people: I appreciate all of the love you have. I really do. Just know that I know how to make prayerful decisions, too. And, ultimately, the only opinion that matters is the Lord's opinion.

In three days, my best friend is leaving. He's the person I talk to about everything. He's the person with whom I want to spend every minute. He's the person I worry about and pray about and laugh with and cry with and argue with and love with every day. Love doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

In three days, I'm going to be very sad. So regardless of your opinion about our relationship, I'm going to need some help. I'm going to need some care. I'm going to need some love.

-ka

90 - The Great Gatsby

One of my favorite books is being made into a movie by one of my favorite directors.



Mr. Gatsby, meet Mr. Luhrmann.

Christmas is gonna be great this year.

-ka

89 - The Beauty of a Second

When I went to a movie the other day, during the Megaplex pre-show (which is normally kind of dumb), there was an ad for something actually really cool.

Recently, the 100th birthday of the chronograph came and went, and in celebration of that, there was a contest. You see, we may not think that it's a big deal to be able to tell time down to the tenth of a second or even less. But to the people living 1912, it was a huge deal - a breakthrough in science that would change the world forever.

To commemorate this huge achievement, there was a film contest. Applicants were to capture beauty in one second, and all of the seconds were put on a website. Then, people could take the individual seconds and create playlists out of them. There were two winners: the winner for the best second and the winner for the best playlist. Unfortunately, I couldn't upload the best playlist on here. But I could upload this playlist, and I still think it's pretty cool. Watch it - it's only a minute long.



If you want to explore the website a bit and maybe find some more playlists, go to montblanconesecond.com.

Like most artsy things do, this got me to thinking about beauty in my own life - and how long a second can actually be.

In one second, a person can be born. Or, a person can die. In one second, you can hear the beginnings of a song that brings back a rush of memories long forgotten. In one second, your life can be changed.

It's important to see the beauty in everything, because it all could go away in one second.

This world really is marvelous; it is a wonder to behold. Sometimes beautiful things aren't happy, and sometimes they are. The important thing to remember about beauty is that it isn't perfect. It just is.

Things at which I marvel and wonder:
my nephew's laugh
a cloudless, starry sky
a snowy night
softly spoken words
the magic of literature
a kiss
intricate melodies
the love between people
the waves of the ocean
the beginning of a new day
a warm hand to hold
the passion one person, namely me, can feel

I think at passion is what I marvel the most. I can get so swept up in my feelings that I can't control myself. I'm taken into a whirlwind of inspiration and excitement; it's overwhelming at times. If I've learned anything about having passions for ideas, it's that oftentimes passion and love go hand in hand.  If I could record anything, it would be the look on someone's face when they think of something, or someone, they love.

I've seen it before, by accident, and I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

-ka

88 - Mom

When all the world is spinning roundLike a red balloon way up in the cloudsAnd my feet will not stay on the groundYou anchor me back down
I am nearly world renownedAs a restless soul who always skips townBut I look for you to come aroundAnd anchor me back down
There are those who think that I'm strangeThey would box me up, and tell me to changeBut you hold me close and softly sayThat you wouldn't have me any other way
When people pin me as a clownYou behave as though I'm wearing a crownWhen I'm lost I feel so very foundWhen you anchor me back down
There are those who think that I'm strangeThey would box me up, and tell me to changeBut you hold me close and softly sayThat you wouldn't have me any other way
When all the world is spinning roundLike a red balloon way up in the cloudsand my feet will not stay on the groundYou anchor me back down
Anchor, Mindy Gledhill 

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.


You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban 



Love you, Mom. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. 


Happy Mother's Day. 


-ka

87 - Louder than Perfection

I've had a lot of pressure to be perfect in my life. I've always had near impeccable grades, I've excelled at almost everything I put work into, I've always prided myself in my vocabulary and DAZZLING wit (haha), I like to be in positions of leadership, and I hate hurting people's feelings. Having felt the pressure to be perfect, I have only one thing to say about it: it's lonely.

I don't like to often bother people with my problems. So, during the times when I was most trying to keep up the appearance of perfection, I didn't talk to anyone about how incredibly hard it was. I didn't talk to anyone about the times when I would go down to my room and just cry, for hours. I didn't talk to anyone about times when I would drown myself in music and literature just to escape my life.

Don't worry, this isn't meant to be a downer post.

Yes, I have felt lonely and lost and scared and depressed -- most of the time, I feel those things all at once.  And the worst part about it was that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone, because that would make me fallible.
Weak.
Flawed.

It wasn't until I learned to let people in, even if just a little bit, that I overcame that crushing pressure. It didn't go away -- getting anything less than an A still stresses me out to no end. (Which, thankfully, I didn't have to worry about this semester. AGAIN! Haha bragging a little bit about my 4.0...) No, it didn't go away; however, I found something more important.

Love really is louder than the pressure to be perfect, regardless of what kind of love you're subject to. If it's romantic love, then you know that your significant other will have flaws and you learn to love them because of those flaws. If it's platonic love, then you learn about other people with similar flaws and make lifelong connections. If it's familial love, then it doesn't matter what a person could do or how big of a mistake they could make -- you'd love them anyway. And the best thing about all kinds of love is the support that it gives.

Love calls out to you -- when you have that bond, the urge to trust and feel and lean is almost inherent. At least, for me. When I learned to love and lean, the call to be perfect slowly began to soften. Even if I'm a failure at something, it doesn't matter. I still matter to someone. (Quite a few people, actually.) That fact is the greatest blessing I could've ever asked for.

-ka

85 - Adventure Time

One Tuesday afternoon, I decided that enough was enough.

I'd had enough of school, I'd had enough of my room, I'd had enough of writing papers, I'd had enough of playing it safe.

I'm not a very spontaneous person... at ALL... and I thought about all the fun that the spontaneous people have. They try new things, meet new people, develop new likes... and I do the same thing. Everyday. In fact, while I was thinking about this, I was at the gym. Which is almost always where I am on Tuesdays at noon.

I eat almost the same thing everyday, do the same things everyday, and see the same people every day. I am, as they say, a creature of habit.

After I told myself that enough was enough, I went back to my dorm, packed my backpack with stuff, and got on the bus. The only thinking time I did was looking up which bus routes go to where, and I ended up at the Logan Temple. Thus began my adventure.

I sat on the bus, pulled the string when my stop came up, and got out. As it was a lovely spring day, flowers were everywhere.

I also saw a lovely view of the temple from across the street. Determined to take lots of pictures, I made my way to the temple grounds. Once there, I commenced about an hour's worth of photography. Here are my favorites:

"A Mighty Fortress is Our God"

After I took many pictures, I sat on the lawn and read for about a half hour. (Speaking of reading... Reading Riot is not finished. I merely have much catching up to do.) This is what I read:

I've read it before - about three years ago. I heard the movie was good, so I wanted to read it again. For those of you that enjoy reading in stream of consciousness, I'd recommend this book. Not all of it is in stream of consciousness, but a good portion is. Disclaimer - there are some F bombs. Luckily, I didn't read any of those while I was reading this at the temple...

Anyway. After I was finished reading, I determined to make my way to Main Street. Along the way, I (of course) took some pictures.

Everyone in Logan always asks if I'm related to the chiropractor. Well, I don't know if I am. But I found his office! 

When I was on Main Street, I wandered into an antique bookstore called Books of Yesterday...

That last one is a VERY old copy of the Three Musketeers! I wanted to buy it so bad, but alas. Not in my budget.

After the bookstore, I wandered to the old courthouse and read for a while longer.

At about 6:15, I began walking back to my dorm. I didn't really want to wait at a bus stop or find my way back to the transit center, so I just walked home from Main Street.

I was gone from 2 until 7. All by myself, walking around Logan. I got a bit sunburned, as it was probably 80 degrees outside, and my feet really hurt afterward. The only person I told was Cole, and he just told me to be safe. He couldn't come because of classes and homework.

Around 6:30, I got a text from my roommate asking if I was dead. I assured her that I wasn't, and that I simply needed... time. Time alone. (When you're living in a dorm, you NEVER get alone time.)

I needed peace, I needed an open mind. I needed to do something so wholly unlike me to see if I could really do it. And I did.

I know it's not anything big. I mean, it was just a bus ride and a long walk. But it was a step into the future for me.

My first year of college is over. I'm starting my first job in fall. I signed a lease on an apartment - my own lease. I think it's time I start taking more steps, don't you?

-ka