87 - Louder than Perfection

I've had a lot of pressure to be perfect in my life. I've always had near impeccable grades, I've excelled at almost everything I put work into, I've always prided myself in my vocabulary and DAZZLING wit (haha), I like to be in positions of leadership, and I hate hurting people's feelings. Having felt the pressure to be perfect, I have only one thing to say about it: it's lonely.

I don't like to often bother people with my problems. So, during the times when I was most trying to keep up the appearance of perfection, I didn't talk to anyone about how incredibly hard it was. I didn't talk to anyone about the times when I would go down to my room and just cry, for hours. I didn't talk to anyone about times when I would drown myself in music and literature just to escape my life.

Don't worry, this isn't meant to be a downer post.

Yes, I have felt lonely and lost and scared and depressed -- most of the time, I feel those things all at once.  And the worst part about it was that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone, because that would make me fallible.
Weak.
Flawed.

It wasn't until I learned to let people in, even if just a little bit, that I overcame that crushing pressure. It didn't go away -- getting anything less than an A still stresses me out to no end. (Which, thankfully, I didn't have to worry about this semester. AGAIN! Haha bragging a little bit about my 4.0...) No, it didn't go away; however, I found something more important.

Love really is louder than the pressure to be perfect, regardless of what kind of love you're subject to. If it's romantic love, then you know that your significant other will have flaws and you learn to love them because of those flaws. If it's platonic love, then you learn about other people with similar flaws and make lifelong connections. If it's familial love, then it doesn't matter what a person could do or how big of a mistake they could make -- you'd love them anyway. And the best thing about all kinds of love is the support that it gives.

Love calls out to you -- when you have that bond, the urge to trust and feel and lean is almost inherent. At least, for me. When I learned to love and lean, the call to be perfect slowly began to soften. Even if I'm a failure at something, it doesn't matter. I still matter to someone. (Quite a few people, actually.) That fact is the greatest blessing I could've ever asked for.

-ka

49 - English Major

Reasons why I'm an English major:

• I enjoy editing papers. 
• Using incorrect grammar is a good way to torture me. Or just drive me crazy and force me to correct you. 
• I say things like "Charles Dickens is the Chuck Norris of the English language."
• I would rather write essays and papers than any other kind of school work. 
• I have several journals full of long-winded passages that probably could be shortened to a sentence. 
• Reading Shakespeare literally takes my breath away. 
• In sixth grade, I was supposed to write a two page paper on Lois Lowry. I wrote six instead... 
• I want a bracelet with mini Harry Potter books on it. 
• My sister used to get mad at me for my vocabulary. (You know who you are. Hehe.)
• Dog-earing books is a hanging offense in my opinion. 
• In elementary school, I mainly read at recess. 
• Once, during the summer, I read over 2500 pages in a week and a half. I was also dead to the world...
• My sister tells me that I used to fall asleep reading, but my eyes were still open. 
• When I doodle, I doodle in words. Not pictures. 
• I often write in cursive with my finger on things I'm holding, or in the air. 
• I like writing in this blog. Sometimes I get away with myself and write too much, so people probably stop reading. I've tried to control that a bit...
• My ceiling and wall used to be plastered with quotes. 
• I've been building a personal library of my own since I was 7. 
• I was better friends with the librarian in elementary school than I was with my peers. 
• My idea of a fun date is walking through Barnes and Noble with hot chocolate and good conversation. 
• If I could, I would spend all my money on books. 
• I've been pretty apprehensive about the Kindle because I don't want my future to be a paperless one. 
• I hate to say it, but I'm kind of arrogant when it comes to English. I'm working on it...
• I think I know more than I actually do. I'm sure experience will humble me in that aspect. 

And the number one reason why I'm an English major: 

• I love words, and I think the English language can be more powerful than any weapon in the world. I hope I can spread that love and knowledge, and inspire people the way I've been inspired. Hence the reason I'm studying to be an English teacher. See this post and this post to read more about how much I love words. 

I don't know how to express how captivated I am by literature. But you all know how much I love theatre, and Charles Dickens connects the two nicely. 

"Poetry makes life what lights and music do the stage." 

25 - Castle on a Cloud

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. 

- Henry David Thoreau

Artwork from Deviantart.