87 - Louder than Perfection

I've had a lot of pressure to be perfect in my life. I've always had near impeccable grades, I've excelled at almost everything I put work into, I've always prided myself in my vocabulary and DAZZLING wit (haha), I like to be in positions of leadership, and I hate hurting people's feelings. Having felt the pressure to be perfect, I have only one thing to say about it: it's lonely.

I don't like to often bother people with my problems. So, during the times when I was most trying to keep up the appearance of perfection, I didn't talk to anyone about how incredibly hard it was. I didn't talk to anyone about the times when I would go down to my room and just cry, for hours. I didn't talk to anyone about times when I would drown myself in music and literature just to escape my life.

Don't worry, this isn't meant to be a downer post.

Yes, I have felt lonely and lost and scared and depressed -- most of the time, I feel those things all at once.  And the worst part about it was that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone, because that would make me fallible.
Weak.
Flawed.

It wasn't until I learned to let people in, even if just a little bit, that I overcame that crushing pressure. It didn't go away -- getting anything less than an A still stresses me out to no end. (Which, thankfully, I didn't have to worry about this semester. AGAIN! Haha bragging a little bit about my 4.0...) No, it didn't go away; however, I found something more important.

Love really is louder than the pressure to be perfect, regardless of what kind of love you're subject to. If it's romantic love, then you know that your significant other will have flaws and you learn to love them because of those flaws. If it's platonic love, then you learn about other people with similar flaws and make lifelong connections. If it's familial love, then it doesn't matter what a person could do or how big of a mistake they could make -- you'd love them anyway. And the best thing about all kinds of love is the support that it gives.

Love calls out to you -- when you have that bond, the urge to trust and feel and lean is almost inherent. At least, for me. When I learned to love and lean, the call to be perfect slowly began to soften. Even if I'm a failure at something, it doesn't matter. I still matter to someone. (Quite a few people, actually.) That fact is the greatest blessing I could've ever asked for.

-ka