95 - Waiting and Missing

I heard once that when you really miss someone, all you want is for them to experience whatever you're experiencing at that moment.

For the last three weeks, I've been doing a lot of missing.

Whenever I see something funny, all I want to do is text him. Whenever I'm sad, all I want to do is run into his arms. Whenever I'm happy, all I want is for him to know what made me happy and be happy right there with me.

It's interesting, knowing someone very well. So well that you can tell what mood they're in even before they can. When you can look at their facial expression, and it's almost like you have psychic abilities because you can just tell what they're thinking. And then they do the same thing to you, and it freaks you out a little bit that you've let someone in that far - given them power. Knowing someone well and letting someone in requires an immense amount of trust.

Missing him is hard. I give myself a stern lecture every morning.

Kolbie, you are going to be happy. You are going to have fun. You aren't going to make everyone else feel awkward because you're depressed. You're not going to take your sorrow out on everyone else. Kolbie, it's not the end of the world. He's not dead, he's just gone for a while. He'll come back. 
Kolbie, would you want him to mope around, being sad all day? No. 
Kolbie, you are strong. You are confident. You have a strong support system, and he loves you. It hurts, but you don't have to let pain control your life. 
Kolbie, it's ok to cry. Have a good, painful cry. But then, stop. 


There are times when I miss him in a good way. Like, I almost don't feel sad. I just feel happy that I love him. I think about the good times we've had, and the good times we've yet to experience. A still, small voice whispers to me that it'll be a very happy time.

So here I sit, waiting. One can wait and experience life at the same time. I'm just waiting for the moment when I don't have to wait anymore. I'm waiting for the moment when you are gonna be right there with me. And that makes this moment even more special.

-ka