32 - More Less and Less Fish

It's interesting how rapidly things can change.

When I graduated high school (four months ago), I wasn't really one of those people that felt overwhelmed and young. I felt ready to be an adult and take on the world.

When I got to Utah State, I realized how young I really am. And how fast my outlook on things changed. Not just on the world, but on myself. I've always been the kind of person that thinks logically, rationally. I do things because they make sense to me and if they don't, then they're wrong. Lately, though, I've kind of come to the realization that just because something makes sense to me doesn't make me right.

I've also kind of realized that I always considered myself VERY mature. And, in a way, being mature is kind of like being humble. If you think you are, (at least at my age) you're probably not. At least not as much as I'd like to think. My feelings aren't the only ones that matter. And people aren't going to leave me just because I've hurt their feelings. And sitting around moping about it doesn't do anyone any good.

Everyone always says that college is the most selfish time of life. I know that it's understandable, but I don't want to be in that category. Being selfish doesn't really interest me. I've spent a long time thinking that if things were weird between me and someone else, they weren't gonna be there anymore. I'm tired of being paranoid that the people I love are going to leave just because of a dispute.

The people who love me are going to keep loving me. No matter what.

If someone is reading this and thinks it's directed toward them, it's not. Because, honestly, most of the people that read this will probably think it is. Really, it's directed towards everyone collectively.

You. My family, my friends, my boyfriend. You will always love me. No matter what happens. And you're not gonna leave.

So spending days nursing my feelings and thinking about all of the ways that they are getting hurt doesn't solve anything. Solving a problem means thinking about someone else. And knowing that they're thinking about you, too.

At Youth Conference one year, the leader put a bunch of clues describing Christ-like attributes around camp. One of them was "more less and less fish". "Less" and "fish" are supposed to be put at the end of the word "self". Be more selfless and less selfish. I know that I'm not a bad person. I hate hurting other people's feelings. But sometimes I don't stop to think that they don't like hurting mine either.